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The Slap That We Were All Forced To Hear About

By Secretary General Tiger

If you’re a normal poor and working class Colonised person—a.k.a the vast majority of the world—you probably don’t give a f*ck about the Oscars. You probably had no idea that the Oscars were held at the Dolby Theatre on March 27th, that it was the 94th year of the pReStIGioUS award ceremony. Me neither—I had to look it all up on Google. But we were all forced (yes, FORCED) to hear about this award ceremony on Monday morning on Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter and every news channel ‘cuz Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.

Now if you’re one of the lucky ones who wasn’t bombarded with this news every waking hour since Monday morning, lemme tell you what happened. Chris Rock, the host of this year’s Oscars, cracked a joke about Will Smith’s wife Jada Pinkett-Smith being bald. Will couldn’t take it and walked up to the stage and smacked Chris.

At least we got some good memes out of slapgate.

The incident has divided the world into multiple camps—those who believe Smith was right to slap Rock and defend his wife’s honour, those who believe Rock should sue Smith for everything he’s worth, and those who believe the entire incident was staged to get the Oscars some publicity (that’s the group I’m part of).

Was the slap staged? Looks like it!

Regardless of what you believe though, you should ask yourself why we’re being forced to give a f*ck about this. Who cares if someone got slapped at the Oscars? Especially if that someone is a millionaire. Who cares if Chris Rock made a joke about Jada having alopecia? It’s not a life threatening condition and if she’s so touchy about it she could get a wig. Plus, the vast majority of Colonised women are facing much worse diseases and conditions than balding that they don’t have millions of dollars at their disposal to treat.

A mother and child being checked up on in Burkina Faso.

One thing is clear though—the way this incident is being publicised, it is surely meant to be a distraction from what’s happening around the globe right now. The “most powerful country in the world” is currently facing one of the worst economic crises it has faced in its existence. World War 3 is brewing in Ukraine. Sri Lanka is facing a fuel shortage so bad people have died waiting in line at gas stations. COVID-19 is in its third year and continues to kill people worldwide. It’s barely summer yet and extreme weather events are already destroying cities. If we were to take a step away from all the noise, from Smith’s slap, from the Kanye-Skete beef, we would realise that the world as we know it is crumbling. We would see that all these problems we’re facing as humanity lead to the same root—colonialism. We would realise that us Black and Brown people must cut ourselves off from this dying colonial system and build something of our own. We would realise that the conditions for revolution are right in front of us, all we gotta do is put in the work.

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